Hello, I am a House Republican. As America hurtles toward a government shutdown, I and my fellow GOP colleagues would like to say that, in our defense, we really didn’t know “governing” would be one of our job requirements.
It sounds like an un-fun activity and, as we’ve made abundantly clear via myriad tweets and Fox News appearances, we think government is bad and we want nothing do with it, except for the parts where we get to yell into TV cameras and share devastating Hunter Biden memes. Those parts are great!
On Thursday, we made it impossible for House Speaker Kevin McCarthy – who we voted into power but also hate and now want to remove – to advance a military funding bill that usually passes with bipartisan support. It’s the second time in a row we did that! Why? Mainly for the lulz, but also because we kind of want the government to shutdown so former President Donald Trump will like us and so we can look tougher when we’re yelling into the TV cameras.
We’re Republicans, of course we want to shut the government down
McCarthy responded to our unwillingness to behave like a sane governing body and engage even remotely with the opposing party by saying: “This is a whole new concept of individuals that just want to burn the whole place down.”
A new concept?!? Has he been asleep for the last few years?
When will Congress care? Government shutdown talks return as US debt reaches $33 trillion.
We are ALL about burning the whole place down. We’re pretty sure Reps. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia and Andy Biggs of Arizona recently got matching “BURN THE WHOLE PLACE DOWN” tattoos on their necks.
Hang on, we just got a sick new Hunter Biden meme we have to post. It says, “Who’s your daddy? Oh, never mind, he’s out to lunch!” Classic. This is why the people elected us.
Republicans charge toward a government shutdown with no clear demands
Anyhoo, we used to be pretty pro-military and stuff – and we’ll still say we are if there’s a TV camera around – but the truth is we aren’t doing jack on the military funding or any other funding until the DEMONcrats agree to cut all the spending we don’t like, defund the FBI and the DOJ, stop all Trump investigations and give us everything we want.
And what is it we want? Hah! Nice try. Answering that question sounds a lot like governing, and we didn’t get into this business to dirty our hands with that kind of nonsense.
McCarthy responded to our patriotic recalcitrance Thursday by sending us home for the weekend rather than keeping us around to do dumb things like “work toward a feasible agreement to prevent the U.S. government from shutting down,” “search for compromise and put forth policy proposals that might improve the average American’s life” or “act like adults and not a collection of feral cats fighting over an empty tuna can.”
Time is running out – and a government shutdown seems inevitable
We have until the end of next week to pretend we’re going to do something before eventually failing in the most clownish and embarrassing way possible, and we feel certain we’re up to the task.
Republican or Democrat? Florida and Michigan show voters which side has a heart.
Will hundreds of thousands of federal workers be sent home without paychecks? Sure! Did the last government shutdown in 2019 cost the country $3 billion in economic activity? Heck yeah! Could national parks shut down and research at the National Institutes of Health come to a halt? You betcha!
And do we care one iota about any of that? Nah. As long as Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida can go on “Hannity” and flex his forehead muscles while yelling something that doesn’t mean anything, we’re right where we want to be – in government, but not governing.
Enjoy the shutdown, suckers. We’ve got memes to post.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Is a government shutdown likely? House Republicans seem to want it